I miss her!!!

It's 2:42 AM and I'm pumping while my 4-1/2 month old sweet baby girl is at Grandma's for the night. I wonder what they're doing right now--sleeping peacefully (I hope)? Pacing the floor together?

I miss her fuzzy little head and her sweet face. Can't wait to pick her up at church tomorrow morning.

4 Months Old: Delving into the Sleep Routine

Ahhh... sleep. What a beautiful concept. Much easier conceived of than done, apparently. In the past few weeks since my last post, we've started focusing on the prospect of sleep training for Natalie. I've read "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" and I'm now reading "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child", which will be followed by "On Becoming Baby Wise: Giving Your Infant the Gift of Nighttime Sleep". I've already read the pertinent chapter on sleep in Dr. Sears' "Fussy Baby Book" and in Linda Holden Palmer's "The Baby Bond" (both coming from the attachment parenting end of the spectrum).

I've said from the beginning that I'm totally opposed to cry-it-out parenting. I'm still pretty opposed to it, but I'm willing to read about it just in case. Still, it's most likely a last resort for me, one I hope not to have to resort to. I'll only do it if I can convince myself that it's in Natalie's best interest.

The past few weeks have been stressful, and last week I really hunkered down and tried to get Natalie on a nap schedule, which meant I didn't leave the house all week. I hit rock bottom and pretty much lost it. I now sport a bruise on my forehead from where I banged my head against the wall in frustration. I broke down crying several times a day last week.

Over the weekend I reached out to my Yoga Mammas email group with a catalog of my frustrations, and the overwhelming response was so compassionate, empathetic and caring, it nearly brought tears to my eyes again. So many moms have gone through my same frustrations and dark moments, and they have made it to the other side. This weekend I also took Natalie out to my folks' place in Dripping Springs, housebound routines be damned, just for a sanity break. It was well worth it and going to church Sunday morning was inspirational.

As I type, my dear husband is going through Natalie's bedtime routine with her. Tonight we are trying out adding a bath at the beginning of the routine. She enjoyed the bath, but is fussy at the moment. Fussy, not crying, so that's a marked improvement over the nights we used to have. She's watching the jungle crib soother we dubbed "Baby TV", probably on her belly while her rubs her back and/or butt rhythmically until she succumbs to sleep. Once she's fast asleep, he'll flip her to her back.

If she does as she's been doing more or less for the past week, she'll wake up in 1-1/2 to 2 hours for one more feeding, then sleep until 10 or 11:30, then wake up again at midnight or 2, then once more if she woke up at midnight, then she'll sleep until 6 or 7AM. 6:30PM - 6 or 7AM is her the length of her new night. Night wakings are, for the most part, around 30-40 minutes each if she feeds, or 5 minutes or less if she doesn't. This is soooo much better than the minimum hour-long nightwaking she used to do. We get the occasional bout of gas that we have to soothe her through, and those wakings can take longer (45 minutes-1 hour including a feeding), but fortunately those are becoming fewer and further between.

My diet is now no-dairy, no-corn, but I'm not really excluding anything else. I excluded so many foods for a couple of weeks, but I couldn't sustain it. (This was part of my mental and emotional meltdown last week.) She seems to be doing okay on what I'm eating lately.

I'm going to check out a PPD support group this week, and I'm making a point of leaving the house with Natalie at least once a day, while trying to respect naptimes to the extent that I can. I'm getting up at 6AM and letting Rob handle Natalie while I meditate, pray and/or do Yoga.

It's rainy and nasty out this evening, even still it might be nice to get out for a jog in the park. It's not too cold.

Week 16: Through the ringer

SLEEP - Getting Natalie to sleep is a crapshoot. Swaddling only works if she's ready for it, which might be when she's drowsy already after eating, or when she's done with playing and starting to fuss. Or she might not go for it at all. Bouncing on the ball is really unreliable these days. Most days she takes at least 2 short (~30 minute) naps. She still has the maddening habit of napping beautifully when my mom is around, but not otherwise. Swaddling followed by strolling or just putting her in the carseat works sometimes. Yesterday my mom got her from fussing to sleeping by swaddling, then laying Natalie across her lap and patting/rubbing her back and butt. Natalie had her fingers in her mouth and the prone position seemed to help keep them there.

She had a fit the other morning and cried for maybe 30 minutes while Rob was watching her. I scooped her up and put her in the sling facing me in a hug hold with her legs out, which she initially protested with loud crying, but once we walked outside she stopped crying. I walked her around the block in the chilly wind (with a hat, baby legs and socks on her, of course), and by the time I got home she was asleep.

Nighttime sleeping is better than last week, at least. I stopped co-sleeping with her because while she was sleeping well, I was lucky to get 2 hours total, and that just isn't enough. I tried splitting up the night between her crib and my bed for a while, but it's still too disruptive, so she's back in her crib now, or sometimes in her carseat. I am close enough to catch her before she starts crying and fully wakes up, so I think it's good enough.

FEEDING - I've eliminated several more possible allergens from my diet--wheat as of 11/14, followed by soy, corn, wheat, tomatoes, peanuts, chocolate as of 11/16 (in addition to dairy, that I've been avoiding since 10/28). I think it's too soon to tell whether or not this measure is helping Natalie, but yesterday was an encouragingly calm day. Dairy, soy, wheat or corn are in almost all prepared foods, so I'm pretty much sticking with single-ingredient items; fresh fruits/vegetables, potatoes, rice, quinoa and meats. I'm keeping spices to a minimum and using simple vinaigrettes on salads. While preparing meals is more labor-intensive, on the bright side I am losing weight. I'm under 10 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight. Another plus is that this diet will keep me from eating in restaurants, for the most part--it's just too hard to be sure I know what I'm eating unless I buy it in the grocery store and prepare it at home. Natalie's gas /reflux episodes have been infrequent and short.

Her nursing habits haven't changed much, except that she seems to be spacing out feedings more during the day.

SOOTHING - She has gone from only wanting to face out to enjoying facing-in holds again (yay!) Pacifiers are hit or miss, but sometimes they really help. She's still maybe 50/50 on car rides. Bouncing on the ball isn't doing much for her lately. She likes the Moby wrap, but it's stimulating. The sling is mostly still effective. She's responding better to simply being held and jiggled or swayed lately, especially if swaddled. She's starting to respond favorably to tummy positions for soothing now.

However, this week she definitely started teething--the pain part, anyway. She screams and gums her fingers. Rob had to keep pressure on her lower gums with his finger while rocking her to sleep on at least two nights. She responded well (albeit, a delayed response) to infant Tylenol and baby Orajel, and to a teething ring stuck in the freezer or fridge first.

PLAYING - She prefers her tummy now and even rolls from back to tummy, but gets worn out and fusses if on her tummy too long. Sometimes rolling her to her back helps. She is enjoying practicing sitting up by being pulled to sitting, and is content for 5-10 minutes at a time in the Bumbo chair (with toys). She's still mouthing everything, and is getting better at grabbing toys and bring her hands together to keep a grip on objects. She seems to be enjoying bathtime now, and uses her legs and feet to splash the water.

She's very social (when happy, of course) and seems to enjoy being in the presence of adults conversing.

OTHER NOTES - I'm still looking for a new pediatrician. I went to meet Dr. Benhammou this week, but wasn't impressed. Natalie's weight at the visit (11/17) was 15 lbs 12 oz with clothes and a daiper on.

She's still on Zegerid, 2.5mL twice a day.

Our approach for week 15

I'll try to make this a brief summary:

SLEEP - Biggest challenge right now. Went back to shift approach (Rob--early shift, Mary--late shift) and Mary is trying co-sleeping.

Last night was the first attempt, and it went well. Natalie fed at 1:30 AM, Mary spent until 2:30 feeding and rocking/burping/sitting with her upright on shoulder to make sure she was in deep sleep, then moved her to the bed. She nursed at 4 and 6, both times side-lying, and awoke for the day at 7:30 when Rob came in to greet us.

FEEDING - Side-lying nursing at night is the only change. Still nursing exclusively with an occasional bottle of pumped milk for daddy to give Natalie when mom's away. Still on a no-dairy, no-eggs diet (since 10/28). Recording diet and a brief summary of the day every day, with a score of 1 to 5, in an effort to bring to light any dietary problems. Will continue this until 11/28, when we give her a previously-expressed bottle of mother's milk to see if she reacts to dairy/egg proteins in it. Still nursing on-demand, burping frequently, attempting to nurse as much as Natalie wants, but no more.

SOOTHING - Using the Sling E Zee and Moby Wrap, bouncing on the exercise ball, strolling in the Graco stroller. Swaddling has lost effectiveness as a soothing technique, as she is big enough to break out of the swaddle, but it is still effective to keep her asleep once she is already asleep. Mary attended an infant massage class this week; will try incorporating massage as a soothing technique. Still shushing and using movement to soothe. Rob uses pacifier at night. Mary has used pacifier to help keep Natalie asleep during the day, but otherwise Natalie doesn't respond well to it.

PLAY - Still using rings, Infantino lamb, dolly, mirrors. Have used toy bar in carseat, but she's not very interested in it and seems to get frustrated with it. She has mastered the animal toy bar on her bouncy chair and it doesn't seem to hold her interest as long as it used to. Lots of tummy time, which she seems to be enjoying more lately. Tummy time seems to help her pass gas, too. Purchased Bumbo seat this week; she's been in it a few times for 1-2 minutes. Pulling to sit, encouraging turning over (back to side and belly to back). Reading to her daily. Rob is wonderfully creative in his play with her.

OTHER NOTES - She is still drooling a lot and might be starting to teethe. Painful night gas episodes may be reducing now (fingers crossed!) Still on 2.5 mL Zegerid twice daily, although I forget to give it to her sometimes. Mylicon and Gripe Water available in case of severe gas, but we haven't had to use them yet this week. Working on getting Natalie to sleep for the first time at night without extended fussing.

P.S.

She's so talkative and animated now, I've started calling her Chatty Natty. I thought that was clever, but I don't hear anyone else using it yet. ;)

Early to bed, early to rise...

...makes a mom surly and bleary-eyed. Just kidding, sort of.

This week Natalie has been going to bed in the 7-9PM time frame (fairly normal for her), but getting up bright and early, anywhere from 4:30-6AM, digging her heels in and refusing to go back to sleep.

I've been sharing the fun with Rob, and he's been a very good sport about being roused at 6AM to take over babytending for a while why I attempt to nap until 7ish, when she's usually hungry again.

The inlaws came to visit this week, and fortunately Natters had a really good week, aside from the early rising and several bouts of painful gas (that thankfully didn't last too long--we were able to crunch her knees up into her abdomen and jostle her around until she farted it out 15-30 minutes later.)

She likes her carseat/stroller again! Hooray! It's a good thing, too, because the somniferous effects of the exercise ball are starting to wear thin. My mom and dad came over last night, and my mom was able to swaddle, then stroll Natalie to sleep at 7PM.

She naps at least a little bit (15-30 minutes) every day, and some days she actually takes longer naps, too. As of now, she's been snoozing for about 40 minutes. Fingers crossed...

Tasting the world

Natalie is in a wonderful phase in which she masters a new skill almost every day. Lately she's able to grab and hold on to things--at first by accident, and now quite purposefully. Often I'll pick her up and she will still have in her grasp a toy or her swaddling blanket.

New noises abound, too--squeals, raspy throat sighs, giggles, half-talk-half-fuss moans.

I reluctantly admit things are getting easier. My hesitation is for fear that I will jinx these golden days.

I'm on a no-dairy, no-eggs diet, since 10/28, which isn't long enough ago to account for Natalie's good mood. I don't know what it is, and in a way I'm getting accustomed to not knowing. At any point, there are too many factors in play. Even if we treat her in a completely constant way (assuming that were possible), she is growing and changing daily.

She's fascinated by the dolly with the rattle in it that a few weeks ago she barely noticed. She has almost completely mastered the toy bar with pull-rings on her bouncy chair. The carseat is no longer entertaining for her, but a place of cruel confinement, even with the toys and front-view mirror we provided, and often even with an accompanying parent in the backseat.

Halloween was fun. I finished her Pebbles costume that day--fashioned on my sewing machine out of several squares of felt from Michael's. That was the first good day of now three in a row.

The View from 3 Months

It's been so long since I posted. I've wanted to get back to this for a while, and I'm grateful for the opportunity while Natalie is catnapping.

Natalie is 12 weeks old--officially three months old as of this coming Tuesday. It's been a wild ride. She still has reflux, but is now on Zegerid (Omeprazole, similar to Prilosec) rather than Zantac. Medication helps a little, but not much. As of her last doctor visit, she was up to 14 lbs, which is excellent. At least we don't have any sign of the dreaded "failure to thrive".

Natalie likes and dislikes different things all the time. I used to take her for walks almost every morning in her carseat/stroller combo, and she would fall asleep as soon as we hit the crushed granite park trail. Then she stopped sleeping until after the first or second lap. Then she stopped sleeping entirely, and started fussing, sometimes early in the walk to the point where we had to abandon it. That's where we are now with it.

We soothed her by strolling her around the house, and that used to take a while to work, but would eventually lull her to sleep. Now it just pisses her off.

I bought a Sling EZee and persevered through her initial distaste for it until she would reliably go to sleep in a "hug" hold (facing me, on my chest). Now she only wants to face out in the sling, in the "Buddha" or "colic" carry, and may or may not fall asleep that way. I took her to a meeting of the Austin Babywearing Group, where I learned how to carry her in a forward-facing hold in the Moby wrap. That works reasonably well, and she'll even fall asleep if I walk and dance around the house long enough, but she almost always gets fussy and wants out before I can get her out.

She went through a phase in which she took a 2-hour nap every day at 11AM. Gone! That phase was followed by the no-nap-at-all phase, which is now followed by the 30-minute catnap phase. Hey, I'll take it, any nap is better than no nap.

She also got into the habit of sleeping for a 5 to 7 hour stretch for her first sleep of the night. I didn't have a clue how lucky I was. That's long gone now. She's into some variation on 4-2-3-1 hour stretches at night now.

Last night she slept from 8 until 12:20, fed well, got back to bed by 1:15, then woke up and started crying inconsolably at 2AM. She was doing her stiff-as-a-board thing that tells Rob and me that it's the reflux/gas and she's hurting. I bounced her (one of our latest soothing gimmicks), danced with her, paced with her, burped her, gave her Mylicon and Gripe Water, to no avail. After 30-45 minutes of crying, Rob got up and offered to soothe her. He put her down on her back in the crib and moved her bent knees back and forth in an abdominal twist to help relieve the gas. He got her settled down at 3AM, at which point she was hungry again. She fed again, this time a little less, and thankfully went back to sleep until 6AM. At 6, she fed again, then got into the reflux/gas agony again.

She and I went through the same routine, only this time she had a massive BM diaper blowout. She hadn't pooped in at least 24 hours, so we guessed this was part of the reason for her discomfort. She still didn't settle down until 9:30, after her next two feedings.

My early frustrations with nursing her have really come into perspective over the past several weeks, in no small part due to the excellent advice of Cheryl Heymans, the lactation consultant at Special Addition. Cheryl helped me transition her to a cradle hold position (football hold was killing us), and explained that she didn't need to feed for x minutes y times a day--she's gaining weight impressively and just needs to eat however much she wants, whenever she wants. Perhaps due to the reflux, this often means 10 minute feedings every hour and a half, all day. Sometimes she feeds for 5 minutes or less. Sometimes she feeds for 30 minutes. Sometimes she goes 3-4 hours between feedings, sometimes she's hungry again in an hour.

One of my biggest lessons was learning not to force a schedule on her. Trying to feed her, get her to sleep, etc, against her will was a major drain on both of us. I couldn't have known it at the time, but I needed not ever worry about her not eating enough. These days I still don't read all of her cues perfectly, but I know when I sit down to feed her and she arches back and cries that she's not ready to eat yet. Often she's ready for a nap at this point, and I bounce her or otherwise soothe her down to sleep.

The fun stuff:

She started smiling at just under 4 weeks, and oh what a sweet smile it is! Her whole face lights up. At around the same time, she started "talking" in her cute little breathy way. She seems to be experimenting with vowel sounds. If she's talking and you don't pay attention, woe unto you!

We started doing tummy time with her in earnest at around 7-8 weeks. She rolled over from her tummy to her back for the first time at 11 weeks, and now it's hard to keep her on her tummy. She still tires quickly during tummy time, but she's made so much progress.

She's started squealing with excitement/laughter this week, and she delighted us by making the "pbbth!" sound, sticking her tongue out in response to our modeling this (highly sophisticated) linguistic behaviour.

I'm going to stop here, because I don't think I'll be able to type much longer without scooping up Natalie and dancing around with her again. She's awake and on the floor, playing with her toy keys, hiccuping, kicking her feet and looking around.

Won't be here for a while

I'm writing to say I probably won't be writing anytime soon. If I do, hey, great, but it's time for me to be realistic about my available time these days--it's mostly going to be spent with my newborn, followed by a mix of housework and sleep, and maybe occasionally things like checking and responding to email and voicemail.

World, I'll be back in a few months. Take care until then.

Today's Special: Reflux

My beautiful daughter, Natalie, is a day shy of 3 weeks old as of today. Today has been a rough one.

I'm 3 weeks into motherhood, and I pretty much suck at it so far. That's to be expected, I know--there is no amount of studying you can do to be ready for a test like this. You just dive in and flail and gasp until you learn to swim.

And you pray. I don't care how religious you are before you have a child, once that child arrives, you pray. You pray because you have to--you are hopelessly inadequate in the face of the challenges and worries that a baby presents. You pray because you want to--there is no greater, more intimate or more awesome privilege than witnessing your baby's birth and first breath, and all the firsts and special moments that follow. Even the worst, most painful moments are treasured in a way, for they are you and your child earning your titles. You watch as your baby grows and you become a parent. This is the ultimate transformation.

People say this time is over in the blink of an eye, but this 3 weeks has felt like an eternity to me. I know it will seem brief in retrospect, so I want to document it now, while it's still fresh. Labor and delivery was one story, the rest of the hospital stay was another--I hope I'll get around to telling those stories on this blog someday soon, while I still remember.

Day before yesterday, Natalie was doing just fine until we got home from my brother's house at around 8:30PM. Then she turned fussy, and that turned out to be a meltdown lasting until midnight. My husband, Rob, took the brunt of that tirade--he has been taking the "early shift" with her at night, as he's more of a night person anyway. She was spitting up and gurgly and uncomfortable after every feeding, and was crying almost non-stop. She couldn't be comfortable laying down, laying on her side, sitting in her bouncer chair, up against Daddy's shoulder, in the Moby wrap, swaddled, unswaddled, swinging in the carseat (she usually likes that), indoors, outdoors or any other way. So Rob couldn't be comfortable.

Lucky me, I was able to sleep through most of it until Rob tapped me to start my "late shift" at 2AM. She fed reasonably well twice and slept in between feedings until 5:30, when it all came crashing down again. She was hungry but five minutes into feeding, would start coughing and spitting and arching her back and crying. I tried in vain to burp her and get her started back on the breast several times. A feeding that should have taken 20 minutes took an hour. By then she was hungry again. This went on over and over, with tearful diaper changes and lots of whimpers, cries, coughing and spitting up, until 11AM. By then I had a splitting headache, Natalie had fed much less than she should have (and spit up a lot of what she did eat), and I was worried. I called the pediatrician's office and got a call back within a couple of hours. When I described Natalie's symptoms, the nurse gave me a 2:45 appointment for suspected reflux.

In the meantime, I had posted to a Yoga Mammas forum about some of my breastfeeding concerns and received some encouraging responses, including one with a suggestion to feed skin-to-skin with my baby to see if she didn't feed better. I tried this at our next feeding, and she not only seemed calmer but she spent longer feeding and even took the second breast. Then, to my immense relief, she slept for about an hour. I should have slept, too, but I made beds and cleaned and organized.

Natalie fed again and then we had to get ready for the doctor's appointment. I quickly put makeup on, changed her, dressed her, then cleaned and changed her and dressed her again when she pooped through that diaper and the outfit I had her in. I scrambled to get her in her carseat and find her diaper bag. If it weren't for the pediatrician's office location less than a mile away, we would have been late for the appointment for sure.

The pediatrician confirmed that Natalie has somewhere between mild and moderate reflux, and advised me to feed her upright and hold her upright for 20-30 minutes after each feeding. If this doesn't improve the reflux in 48 hours, we have a prescription for baby Zantac that we can have filled. Only it might not make any difference for two weeks. And there's no way of knowing how long reflux will last for any particular baby.

I tried to focus on the positive. She did weigh in at 9 lbs 7 ounces, which means she gained a pound since her 2-week appointment last week! That's great--she's getting enough to eat and growing, and that's the most important thing right now.

She's great in the carseat--it puts her right to sleep--so on the way home I treated myself to an iced tea from Sonic. I've long been a Sonic fan, but having a newborn is making me scout out all drive-thru opportunities--anything I can do while Natalie is sleeping peacefully in the carseat.

I have a carseat stroller base shipping to me sometime this week, and I'm very much looking forward to using it. Might we be so lucky that Natalie stays asleep between the car and the stroller base? That would be wonderful.

After we got home, in minutes Natalie was in tears again, hungry. I fed her by propping the Boppy underneath the "My Brest Friend" pillow, and it worked out well, but keeping her upright for 30 minutes after feeding wasn't enough--she would scream if I put her down for a second. I carried her around the house until the next feeding. I hadn't eaten anything since around 11AM--I'd only managed to burn some mini-tacos and leave them on the stove. By the time Rob got home, I was exhausted and I'm sure it was written all over my face.

He'd also had a doozy of a day at the office--he got a manager's nearly impossible project deadline foisted on him while that manager is on vacation this week. I mustered as much sympathy as I could. Days like that in the office were terrible. Days with a sick baby are a new kind of terrible, but I told myself that it's not really worse, just a different kind of relentless.

He showered (necessary after his bike commute home) and went to eat some of the mini-tacos while I finished feeding Natalie. Finally about 45 minutes later I was able to hand her off to him. He told me he'd take her while I napped and did anything else I needed to do. (Good daddy!) I scarfed down the rest of the mini-tacos and some fruit leathers (so much for dinner), chugged water, and went to our bedroom to take a nap.

Sometimes when you most need sleep, it's elusive. I couldn't doze off for the first half hour that I was in bed, my head was still spinning with worries and ideas about Natalie. Finally I did doze off, only to awake from a baby nightmare (can't remember it now, but this happens a lot). It was only an hour since I'd gone to bed, but my boobs ached (which means it's time to feed baby).

Somehow during that hour, Rob had gotten her to sleep. He has that magic touch sometimes. I sent him off to the store to buy groceries while I camped out in Natalie's room to wait for her to wake up so I could feed her. She was up within 10 minutes.

So feedings are taking longer now, because of the rule about keeping her upright. But it also seems like our efforts are paying off, at least a little. She's spitting up less and late last night through this morning, she was able to doze off between feedings, which meant Rob and I were able to sleep a bit during our shifts.

I probably slept for 2 1/2 to 3 hours during his shift, then took 15-30 minute naps between each feeding on my shift. So added together, I probably got somewhere between 4 1/2 - 6 hours of sleep last night.

I feel much better this morning and Natalie is sleeping peacefully after her 6:30 AM feeding. She'll probably be up and hungry again within the next 15 minutes. So it goes.

We are so grateful to have her in our lives, even as her needs are really testing us. I try to remember to thank God for her every chance I get.