Second-time Mom

It has been ages since I touched this blog, and Natalie is a lovely walking, dancing, chattering toddler, while I am sailing through my second pregnancy, baby due February 19, 2011.

Natalie fell asleep in my arms in the rocking chair after a bottle and a walk in the crisp November morning. I savored the moment and reflected not only on how much she has grown and changed, but how much Rob and I have come into our own as parents over the past 15 months or so.

We had a rough (induced) labor and delivery with Natalie, though thankfully no c-section, but the worst part was the week-long NICU stay that we and Natalie endured. It was pure torture to be forcibly separated so much during our most important bonding time. I felt and still feel that we did the best we could, under the circumstances, to stay by her side and give her as much love, caresses and attention as possible. I really did fight to nurse her, though we had supplemental formula forced on her, too. (I stuck it out and weaned her off supplemental formula and strictly breastfed her after the first two weeks, until circumstances forced me to wean her back to formula at eight months.)

We all went through the colic and reflux phase of things together, from birth to about six months. (Some parents and babies have to suffer through this for much longer, so I consider us very fortunate.) Breastfeeding got easier, but wasn't truly easy until right before I had to wean her.

At the same time I was reeling from having left a stressful but fulfilling full-time job in Inside Sales, where I felt my intellectual contributions were truly appreciated, and embarked on a completely different adventure of full-time, stay-at-home motherhood. It was isolating and scary, and I felt terribly guilty and inadequate in the beginning, not to mentioned chronically sleep-deprived and stressed.

Fortunately, I had some angels in my life in the form of other moms in the neighborhood and a group of mothers united through a Yoga Mamas list serve, exchanging questions, tips, stories and advice via email. I also had the support of my parents, who moved to nearby Dripping Springs when Natalie was born, and let me crash at their place with her on the days when I was going crazy being alone at home.

One of these angels put me in touch with a Postpartum Depression Support Group, basically a group of mothers with PPD, led by a psychologist (and mother with previous PPD experience). When Natalie was about 4 months old I brought her to this group weekly, and talked a little but mostly listened. I think two things from this group helped turn around my PPD: the advice to take daily fish oil and B complex supplements, and simply hearing other mothers talk about their experiences and emotions in dealing with their new babies and changed relationships to their spouses and family. I know it's a cliche, but it helps so much to know you're not alone in going through a hard time like PPD.

I can honestly say now, more than a year after Natalie's birth, that I love being a stay-at-home mom. Many times I questioned my decision and even pursued a couple of job leads, only to return to that nagging feeling that even though I had my frustrations with it, being here at home for my daughter is too important to me to give up. I now have no regrets and feel a real sense of purpose and mission in my vocation. I remember feeling in the beginning like I didn't know my daughter at all. Now I feel I know her better than anyone else does. I am honored to know her, to be her mother, to strive to be the fertile, nurturing, supportive soil in which she can spread her roots, so that she can grow and bloom into the person God made her to be.

Every time I see her bright smile, her dance moves and quirky little antics, I am grateful to witness her growing up. I am happy with the hard choices that Rob and I have made, the research we've done, the way we've resisted the norm of "cry-it-out" sleep training and so forth that aims to make things easier for the parents (and hopes to make things easier on the child), but via harsh and alienating means.

We have a healthy, happy daughter (with her fair share of normal kid "phases" that certainly challenge us regularly), and we are confident that on the whole we've gone about parenting in a way that aligns with our values. We have built a stable, loving relationship with her, and with one another as parents. I am grateful to God for this feeling, as we definitely didn't have this self-confidence initially as parents.

I have read several parenting books on a variety of topics by now, mostly through the public library, fortunately (since I couldn't afford to buy these books). I will post a list of my favorites. For every parenting issue under the sun, there is contradictory advice published somewhere. It took us a long time and some trial and error to sift through it for ourselves, but I'll tell you which books we ended up agreeing with.

For baby #2, we will be laboring and birthing at Austin Area Birthing Center. Inductions and interventions should be out of the question. Right now we are getting ready to buckle down on birthing classes and other preparations to welcome our second child into the family. My greatest fear is being separated from my child at or soon after birth, so knowing that, we are looking at our labor support options (i.e. doula) and childbirth prep classes in more depth this time around (i.e. Bradley). We also plan to have a postpartum doula on call for when we need help with that transition to caring for a newborn and a toddler--mostly to have someone to cook and clean for us. We know now what we suspected before--that the first couple of weeks need to be about bonding with the new child (involving Natalie in the experience as much as possible, but getting help with her when we need it.)

With Natalie, we found out we were having a girl as soon as possible, at the 20-week ultrasound. This time we are saving that sweet surprise for the birthing room. My hunch this time is that it's another girl, but I have no evidence.

I've heard it from other moms before, but it's such a relief to know I won't be a new mom when this next baby arrives. This child will be a unique individual and I'm sure there are things we'll go through that we didn't address or do the same way with Natalie. There's the new sibling relationship to nurture, which I'm sure will present ample challenges. We will be tested and thrown anew into the crucible of parenthood, but we will have a confidence we didn't have before.

Our regrets, our mistakes, our dark times with Natalie have not been for naught. They have prompted us to dig deeper to find more love, more compassion and better ways to raise and care for our child than what we see in the mainstream. I see God's hand in the transformation of these dark moments. It gives me hope for the future of our family.

la plus ca change, le plus c'est le meme chose

Well, Natalie is 5 1/2 months old now. Some things have gotten momentarily easier, some have gotten harder. For the most part, she's a little bit easier to handle than she was a month ago. Which is perhaps more than I would have said a month ago about the previous month. In sum, things are looking slightly, but perceptibly, up.

I miss her!!!

It's 2:42 AM and I'm pumping while my 4-1/2 month old sweet baby girl is at Grandma's for the night. I wonder what they're doing right now--sleeping peacefully (I hope)? Pacing the floor together?

I miss her fuzzy little head and her sweet face. Can't wait to pick her up at church tomorrow morning.

4 Months Old: Delving into the Sleep Routine

Ahhh... sleep. What a beautiful concept. Much easier conceived of than done, apparently. In the past few weeks since my last post, we've started focusing on the prospect of sleep training for Natalie. I've read "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" and I'm now reading "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child", which will be followed by "On Becoming Baby Wise: Giving Your Infant the Gift of Nighttime Sleep". I've already read the pertinent chapter on sleep in Dr. Sears' "Fussy Baby Book" and in Linda Holden Palmer's "The Baby Bond" (both coming from the attachment parenting end of the spectrum).

I've said from the beginning that I'm totally opposed to cry-it-out parenting. I'm still pretty opposed to it, but I'm willing to read about it just in case. Still, it's most likely a last resort for me, one I hope not to have to resort to. I'll only do it if I can convince myself that it's in Natalie's best interest.

The past few weeks have been stressful, and last week I really hunkered down and tried to get Natalie on a nap schedule, which meant I didn't leave the house all week. I hit rock bottom and pretty much lost it. I now sport a bruise on my forehead from where I banged my head against the wall in frustration. I broke down crying several times a day last week.

Over the weekend I reached out to my Yoga Mammas email group with a catalog of my frustrations, and the overwhelming response was so compassionate, empathetic and caring, it nearly brought tears to my eyes again. So many moms have gone through my same frustrations and dark moments, and they have made it to the other side. This weekend I also took Natalie out to my folks' place in Dripping Springs, housebound routines be damned, just for a sanity break. It was well worth it and going to church Sunday morning was inspirational.

As I type, my dear husband is going through Natalie's bedtime routine with her. Tonight we are trying out adding a bath at the beginning of the routine. She enjoyed the bath, but is fussy at the moment. Fussy, not crying, so that's a marked improvement over the nights we used to have. She's watching the jungle crib soother we dubbed "Baby TV", probably on her belly while her rubs her back and/or butt rhythmically until she succumbs to sleep. Once she's fast asleep, he'll flip her to her back.

If she does as she's been doing more or less for the past week, she'll wake up in 1-1/2 to 2 hours for one more feeding, then sleep until 10 or 11:30, then wake up again at midnight or 2, then once more if she woke up at midnight, then she'll sleep until 6 or 7AM. 6:30PM - 6 or 7AM is her the length of her new night. Night wakings are, for the most part, around 30-40 minutes each if she feeds, or 5 minutes or less if she doesn't. This is soooo much better than the minimum hour-long nightwaking she used to do. We get the occasional bout of gas that we have to soothe her through, and those wakings can take longer (45 minutes-1 hour including a feeding), but fortunately those are becoming fewer and further between.

My diet is now no-dairy, no-corn, but I'm not really excluding anything else. I excluded so many foods for a couple of weeks, but I couldn't sustain it. (This was part of my mental and emotional meltdown last week.) She seems to be doing okay on what I'm eating lately.

I'm going to check out a PPD support group this week, and I'm making a point of leaving the house with Natalie at least once a day, while trying to respect naptimes to the extent that I can. I'm getting up at 6AM and letting Rob handle Natalie while I meditate, pray and/or do Yoga.

It's rainy and nasty out this evening, even still it might be nice to get out for a jog in the park. It's not too cold.

Week 16: Through the ringer

SLEEP - Getting Natalie to sleep is a crapshoot. Swaddling only works if she's ready for it, which might be when she's drowsy already after eating, or when she's done with playing and starting to fuss. Or she might not go for it at all. Bouncing on the ball is really unreliable these days. Most days she takes at least 2 short (~30 minute) naps. She still has the maddening habit of napping beautifully when my mom is around, but not otherwise. Swaddling followed by strolling or just putting her in the carseat works sometimes. Yesterday my mom got her from fussing to sleeping by swaddling, then laying Natalie across her lap and patting/rubbing her back and butt. Natalie had her fingers in her mouth and the prone position seemed to help keep them there.

She had a fit the other morning and cried for maybe 30 minutes while Rob was watching her. I scooped her up and put her in the sling facing me in a hug hold with her legs out, which she initially protested with loud crying, but once we walked outside she stopped crying. I walked her around the block in the chilly wind (with a hat, baby legs and socks on her, of course), and by the time I got home she was asleep.

Nighttime sleeping is better than last week, at least. I stopped co-sleeping with her because while she was sleeping well, I was lucky to get 2 hours total, and that just isn't enough. I tried splitting up the night between her crib and my bed for a while, but it's still too disruptive, so she's back in her crib now, or sometimes in her carseat. I am close enough to catch her before she starts crying and fully wakes up, so I think it's good enough.

FEEDING - I've eliminated several more possible allergens from my diet--wheat as of 11/14, followed by soy, corn, wheat, tomatoes, peanuts, chocolate as of 11/16 (in addition to dairy, that I've been avoiding since 10/28). I think it's too soon to tell whether or not this measure is helping Natalie, but yesterday was an encouragingly calm day. Dairy, soy, wheat or corn are in almost all prepared foods, so I'm pretty much sticking with single-ingredient items; fresh fruits/vegetables, potatoes, rice, quinoa and meats. I'm keeping spices to a minimum and using simple vinaigrettes on salads. While preparing meals is more labor-intensive, on the bright side I am losing weight. I'm under 10 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight. Another plus is that this diet will keep me from eating in restaurants, for the most part--it's just too hard to be sure I know what I'm eating unless I buy it in the grocery store and prepare it at home. Natalie's gas /reflux episodes have been infrequent and short.

Her nursing habits haven't changed much, except that she seems to be spacing out feedings more during the day.

SOOTHING - She has gone from only wanting to face out to enjoying facing-in holds again (yay!) Pacifiers are hit or miss, but sometimes they really help. She's still maybe 50/50 on car rides. Bouncing on the ball isn't doing much for her lately. She likes the Moby wrap, but it's stimulating. The sling is mostly still effective. She's responding better to simply being held and jiggled or swayed lately, especially if swaddled. She's starting to respond favorably to tummy positions for soothing now.

However, this week she definitely started teething--the pain part, anyway. She screams and gums her fingers. Rob had to keep pressure on her lower gums with his finger while rocking her to sleep on at least two nights. She responded well (albeit, a delayed response) to infant Tylenol and baby Orajel, and to a teething ring stuck in the freezer or fridge first.

PLAYING - She prefers her tummy now and even rolls from back to tummy, but gets worn out and fusses if on her tummy too long. Sometimes rolling her to her back helps. She is enjoying practicing sitting up by being pulled to sitting, and is content for 5-10 minutes at a time in the Bumbo chair (with toys). She's still mouthing everything, and is getting better at grabbing toys and bring her hands together to keep a grip on objects. She seems to be enjoying bathtime now, and uses her legs and feet to splash the water.

She's very social (when happy, of course) and seems to enjoy being in the presence of adults conversing.

OTHER NOTES - I'm still looking for a new pediatrician. I went to meet Dr. Benhammou this week, but wasn't impressed. Natalie's weight at the visit (11/17) was 15 lbs 12 oz with clothes and a daiper on.

She's still on Zegerid, 2.5mL twice a day.

Our approach for week 15

I'll try to make this a brief summary:

SLEEP - Biggest challenge right now. Went back to shift approach (Rob--early shift, Mary--late shift) and Mary is trying co-sleeping.

Last night was the first attempt, and it went well. Natalie fed at 1:30 AM, Mary spent until 2:30 feeding and rocking/burping/sitting with her upright on shoulder to make sure she was in deep sleep, then moved her to the bed. She nursed at 4 and 6, both times side-lying, and awoke for the day at 7:30 when Rob came in to greet us.

FEEDING - Side-lying nursing at night is the only change. Still nursing exclusively with an occasional bottle of pumped milk for daddy to give Natalie when mom's away. Still on a no-dairy, no-eggs diet (since 10/28). Recording diet and a brief summary of the day every day, with a score of 1 to 5, in an effort to bring to light any dietary problems. Will continue this until 11/28, when we give her a previously-expressed bottle of mother's milk to see if she reacts to dairy/egg proteins in it. Still nursing on-demand, burping frequently, attempting to nurse as much as Natalie wants, but no more.

SOOTHING - Using the Sling E Zee and Moby Wrap, bouncing on the exercise ball, strolling in the Graco stroller. Swaddling has lost effectiveness as a soothing technique, as she is big enough to break out of the swaddle, but it is still effective to keep her asleep once she is already asleep. Mary attended an infant massage class this week; will try incorporating massage as a soothing technique. Still shushing and using movement to soothe. Rob uses pacifier at night. Mary has used pacifier to help keep Natalie asleep during the day, but otherwise Natalie doesn't respond well to it.

PLAY - Still using rings, Infantino lamb, dolly, mirrors. Have used toy bar in carseat, but she's not very interested in it and seems to get frustrated with it. She has mastered the animal toy bar on her bouncy chair and it doesn't seem to hold her interest as long as it used to. Lots of tummy time, which she seems to be enjoying more lately. Tummy time seems to help her pass gas, too. Purchased Bumbo seat this week; she's been in it a few times for 1-2 minutes. Pulling to sit, encouraging turning over (back to side and belly to back). Reading to her daily. Rob is wonderfully creative in his play with her.

OTHER NOTES - She is still drooling a lot and might be starting to teethe. Painful night gas episodes may be reducing now (fingers crossed!) Still on 2.5 mL Zegerid twice daily, although I forget to give it to her sometimes. Mylicon and Gripe Water available in case of severe gas, but we haven't had to use them yet this week. Working on getting Natalie to sleep for the first time at night without extended fussing.

P.S.

She's so talkative and animated now, I've started calling her Chatty Natty. I thought that was clever, but I don't hear anyone else using it yet. ;)