Won't be here for a while

I'm writing to say I probably won't be writing anytime soon. If I do, hey, great, but it's time for me to be realistic about my available time these days--it's mostly going to be spent with my newborn, followed by a mix of housework and sleep, and maybe occasionally things like checking and responding to email and voicemail.

World, I'll be back in a few months. Take care until then.

Today's Special: Reflux

My beautiful daughter, Natalie, is a day shy of 3 weeks old as of today. Today has been a rough one.

I'm 3 weeks into motherhood, and I pretty much suck at it so far. That's to be expected, I know--there is no amount of studying you can do to be ready for a test like this. You just dive in and flail and gasp until you learn to swim.

And you pray. I don't care how religious you are before you have a child, once that child arrives, you pray. You pray because you have to--you are hopelessly inadequate in the face of the challenges and worries that a baby presents. You pray because you want to--there is no greater, more intimate or more awesome privilege than witnessing your baby's birth and first breath, and all the firsts and special moments that follow. Even the worst, most painful moments are treasured in a way, for they are you and your child earning your titles. You watch as your baby grows and you become a parent. This is the ultimate transformation.

People say this time is over in the blink of an eye, but this 3 weeks has felt like an eternity to me. I know it will seem brief in retrospect, so I want to document it now, while it's still fresh. Labor and delivery was one story, the rest of the hospital stay was another--I hope I'll get around to telling those stories on this blog someday soon, while I still remember.

Day before yesterday, Natalie was doing just fine until we got home from my brother's house at around 8:30PM. Then she turned fussy, and that turned out to be a meltdown lasting until midnight. My husband, Rob, took the brunt of that tirade--he has been taking the "early shift" with her at night, as he's more of a night person anyway. She was spitting up and gurgly and uncomfortable after every feeding, and was crying almost non-stop. She couldn't be comfortable laying down, laying on her side, sitting in her bouncer chair, up against Daddy's shoulder, in the Moby wrap, swaddled, unswaddled, swinging in the carseat (she usually likes that), indoors, outdoors or any other way. So Rob couldn't be comfortable.

Lucky me, I was able to sleep through most of it until Rob tapped me to start my "late shift" at 2AM. She fed reasonably well twice and slept in between feedings until 5:30, when it all came crashing down again. She was hungry but five minutes into feeding, would start coughing and spitting and arching her back and crying. I tried in vain to burp her and get her started back on the breast several times. A feeding that should have taken 20 minutes took an hour. By then she was hungry again. This went on over and over, with tearful diaper changes and lots of whimpers, cries, coughing and spitting up, until 11AM. By then I had a splitting headache, Natalie had fed much less than she should have (and spit up a lot of what she did eat), and I was worried. I called the pediatrician's office and got a call back within a couple of hours. When I described Natalie's symptoms, the nurse gave me a 2:45 appointment for suspected reflux.

In the meantime, I had posted to a Yoga Mammas forum about some of my breastfeeding concerns and received some encouraging responses, including one with a suggestion to feed skin-to-skin with my baby to see if she didn't feed better. I tried this at our next feeding, and she not only seemed calmer but she spent longer feeding and even took the second breast. Then, to my immense relief, she slept for about an hour. I should have slept, too, but I made beds and cleaned and organized.

Natalie fed again and then we had to get ready for the doctor's appointment. I quickly put makeup on, changed her, dressed her, then cleaned and changed her and dressed her again when she pooped through that diaper and the outfit I had her in. I scrambled to get her in her carseat and find her diaper bag. If it weren't for the pediatrician's office location less than a mile away, we would have been late for the appointment for sure.

The pediatrician confirmed that Natalie has somewhere between mild and moderate reflux, and advised me to feed her upright and hold her upright for 20-30 minutes after each feeding. If this doesn't improve the reflux in 48 hours, we have a prescription for baby Zantac that we can have filled. Only it might not make any difference for two weeks. And there's no way of knowing how long reflux will last for any particular baby.

I tried to focus on the positive. She did weigh in at 9 lbs 7 ounces, which means she gained a pound since her 2-week appointment last week! That's great--she's getting enough to eat and growing, and that's the most important thing right now.

She's great in the carseat--it puts her right to sleep--so on the way home I treated myself to an iced tea from Sonic. I've long been a Sonic fan, but having a newborn is making me scout out all drive-thru opportunities--anything I can do while Natalie is sleeping peacefully in the carseat.

I have a carseat stroller base shipping to me sometime this week, and I'm very much looking forward to using it. Might we be so lucky that Natalie stays asleep between the car and the stroller base? That would be wonderful.

After we got home, in minutes Natalie was in tears again, hungry. I fed her by propping the Boppy underneath the "My Brest Friend" pillow, and it worked out well, but keeping her upright for 30 minutes after feeding wasn't enough--she would scream if I put her down for a second. I carried her around the house until the next feeding. I hadn't eaten anything since around 11AM--I'd only managed to burn some mini-tacos and leave them on the stove. By the time Rob got home, I was exhausted and I'm sure it was written all over my face.

He'd also had a doozy of a day at the office--he got a manager's nearly impossible project deadline foisted on him while that manager is on vacation this week. I mustered as much sympathy as I could. Days like that in the office were terrible. Days with a sick baby are a new kind of terrible, but I told myself that it's not really worse, just a different kind of relentless.

He showered (necessary after his bike commute home) and went to eat some of the mini-tacos while I finished feeding Natalie. Finally about 45 minutes later I was able to hand her off to him. He told me he'd take her while I napped and did anything else I needed to do. (Good daddy!) I scarfed down the rest of the mini-tacos and some fruit leathers (so much for dinner), chugged water, and went to our bedroom to take a nap.

Sometimes when you most need sleep, it's elusive. I couldn't doze off for the first half hour that I was in bed, my head was still spinning with worries and ideas about Natalie. Finally I did doze off, only to awake from a baby nightmare (can't remember it now, but this happens a lot). It was only an hour since I'd gone to bed, but my boobs ached (which means it's time to feed baby).

Somehow during that hour, Rob had gotten her to sleep. He has that magic touch sometimes. I sent him off to the store to buy groceries while I camped out in Natalie's room to wait for her to wake up so I could feed her. She was up within 10 minutes.

So feedings are taking longer now, because of the rule about keeping her upright. But it also seems like our efforts are paying off, at least a little. She's spitting up less and late last night through this morning, she was able to doze off between feedings, which meant Rob and I were able to sleep a bit during our shifts.

I probably slept for 2 1/2 to 3 hours during his shift, then took 15-30 minute naps between each feeding on my shift. So added together, I probably got somewhere between 4 1/2 - 6 hours of sleep last night.

I feel much better this morning and Natalie is sleeping peacefully after her 6:30 AM feeding. She'll probably be up and hungry again within the next 15 minutes. So it goes.

We are so grateful to have her in our lives, even as her needs are really testing us. I try to remember to thank God for her every chance I get.