Second-time Mom

It has been ages since I touched this blog, and Natalie is a lovely walking, dancing, chattering toddler, while I am sailing through my second pregnancy, baby due February 19, 2011.

Natalie fell asleep in my arms in the rocking chair after a bottle and a walk in the crisp November morning. I savored the moment and reflected not only on how much she has grown and changed, but how much Rob and I have come into our own as parents over the past 15 months or so.

We had a rough (induced) labor and delivery with Natalie, though thankfully no c-section, but the worst part was the week-long NICU stay that we and Natalie endured. It was pure torture to be forcibly separated so much during our most important bonding time. I felt and still feel that we did the best we could, under the circumstances, to stay by her side and give her as much love, caresses and attention as possible. I really did fight to nurse her, though we had supplemental formula forced on her, too. (I stuck it out and weaned her off supplemental formula and strictly breastfed her after the first two weeks, until circumstances forced me to wean her back to formula at eight months.)

We all went through the colic and reflux phase of things together, from birth to about six months. (Some parents and babies have to suffer through this for much longer, so I consider us very fortunate.) Breastfeeding got easier, but wasn't truly easy until right before I had to wean her.

At the same time I was reeling from having left a stressful but fulfilling full-time job in Inside Sales, where I felt my intellectual contributions were truly appreciated, and embarked on a completely different adventure of full-time, stay-at-home motherhood. It was isolating and scary, and I felt terribly guilty and inadequate in the beginning, not to mentioned chronically sleep-deprived and stressed.

Fortunately, I had some angels in my life in the form of other moms in the neighborhood and a group of mothers united through a Yoga Mamas list serve, exchanging questions, tips, stories and advice via email. I also had the support of my parents, who moved to nearby Dripping Springs when Natalie was born, and let me crash at their place with her on the days when I was going crazy being alone at home.

One of these angels put me in touch with a Postpartum Depression Support Group, basically a group of mothers with PPD, led by a psychologist (and mother with previous PPD experience). When Natalie was about 4 months old I brought her to this group weekly, and talked a little but mostly listened. I think two things from this group helped turn around my PPD: the advice to take daily fish oil and B complex supplements, and simply hearing other mothers talk about their experiences and emotions in dealing with their new babies and changed relationships to their spouses and family. I know it's a cliche, but it helps so much to know you're not alone in going through a hard time like PPD.

I can honestly say now, more than a year after Natalie's birth, that I love being a stay-at-home mom. Many times I questioned my decision and even pursued a couple of job leads, only to return to that nagging feeling that even though I had my frustrations with it, being here at home for my daughter is too important to me to give up. I now have no regrets and feel a real sense of purpose and mission in my vocation. I remember feeling in the beginning like I didn't know my daughter at all. Now I feel I know her better than anyone else does. I am honored to know her, to be her mother, to strive to be the fertile, nurturing, supportive soil in which she can spread her roots, so that she can grow and bloom into the person God made her to be.

Every time I see her bright smile, her dance moves and quirky little antics, I am grateful to witness her growing up. I am happy with the hard choices that Rob and I have made, the research we've done, the way we've resisted the norm of "cry-it-out" sleep training and so forth that aims to make things easier for the parents (and hopes to make things easier on the child), but via harsh and alienating means.

We have a healthy, happy daughter (with her fair share of normal kid "phases" that certainly challenge us regularly), and we are confident that on the whole we've gone about parenting in a way that aligns with our values. We have built a stable, loving relationship with her, and with one another as parents. I am grateful to God for this feeling, as we definitely didn't have this self-confidence initially as parents.

I have read several parenting books on a variety of topics by now, mostly through the public library, fortunately (since I couldn't afford to buy these books). I will post a list of my favorites. For every parenting issue under the sun, there is contradictory advice published somewhere. It took us a long time and some trial and error to sift through it for ourselves, but I'll tell you which books we ended up agreeing with.

For baby #2, we will be laboring and birthing at Austin Area Birthing Center. Inductions and interventions should be out of the question. Right now we are getting ready to buckle down on birthing classes and other preparations to welcome our second child into the family. My greatest fear is being separated from my child at or soon after birth, so knowing that, we are looking at our labor support options (i.e. doula) and childbirth prep classes in more depth this time around (i.e. Bradley). We also plan to have a postpartum doula on call for when we need help with that transition to caring for a newborn and a toddler--mostly to have someone to cook and clean for us. We know now what we suspected before--that the first couple of weeks need to be about bonding with the new child (involving Natalie in the experience as much as possible, but getting help with her when we need it.)

With Natalie, we found out we were having a girl as soon as possible, at the 20-week ultrasound. This time we are saving that sweet surprise for the birthing room. My hunch this time is that it's another girl, but I have no evidence.

I've heard it from other moms before, but it's such a relief to know I won't be a new mom when this next baby arrives. This child will be a unique individual and I'm sure there are things we'll go through that we didn't address or do the same way with Natalie. There's the new sibling relationship to nurture, which I'm sure will present ample challenges. We will be tested and thrown anew into the crucible of parenthood, but we will have a confidence we didn't have before.

Our regrets, our mistakes, our dark times with Natalie have not been for naught. They have prompted us to dig deeper to find more love, more compassion and better ways to raise and care for our child than what we see in the mainstream. I see God's hand in the transformation of these dark moments. It gives me hope for the future of our family.